丸亀製麺で本場のヤツを食べてきた話

こんばんは、オルソンです。

 

 

皆さんは、丸亀製麺といううどん屋をご存知でしょうか?全国チェーンなのでご存知の方も多いとは思いますが一応説明しますと、丸亀製麺というのは香川県の都市である「丸亀」の名を冠することからもわかるように本場の讃岐うどんを提供する、素晴らしいうどん屋です。丸亀製麺で美味しい讃岐うどんが食べられればうどん県がどうこうとかそういうのはもういらないんです。我々は香川県に行くことなく本場の讃岐うどんを食べられるのです。だから香川県なんて沈んでも我々の生活には何ら影響はないのです!丸亀製麺よ、永遠なれ!

 

 

 

 

読者の皆さん、すみませんでした。丸亀製麺は本社も一号店も兵庫県でした。本場の讃岐うどんとか香川県が沈んでも影響ないとか言ってすみませんでした。香川、愛してる。

 

 

 

…というわけで、丸亀製麺で本場の讃岐うどんを食べることはできません。しかし、兵庫県には兵庫県で本場のものというのは多数あります。というのも、兵庫県の県庁所在地は神戸。神戸といえば日米修好通商条約によって、横浜、長崎などと同時に開港され、横浜、長崎同様多くの外国文化を古くから吸収してきた舶来文化の町です。そんな舶来文化の賜物の一つが牛肉の食用。現在では「ステーキは立ち食いの時代、いきなりステーキ」だの「人の金で焼き肉を食べたい」だの言っていますが、当時は珍しかったわけです。そんな中、牛肉に味噌や醤油仕立てで味付けをし、扁平な鍋の上で焼いた料理がすき焼きの原型となります。その後、関東では、牛肉の臭みを取るために牛肉をぼたん鍋などと同様の手法で調理(野菜を入れて味噌や醤油で煮込む)したものがすき焼きと呼ばれるようになるわけですが、すき焼きの原型は肉を焼いていたわけで鍋物ではなかったわけです。関西では今でもすき焼きというと鍋物ではなく、焼いた肉を指すようです。

 

 

一見しなくても、丸亀製麺からだいぶ話が逸れているように見えますが、実は丸亀製麺には期間限定ながらこんなメニューがあります。

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 そうです、牛すき釜玉うどんです。「お肉大すき」という、大好きの「好き」とすき焼きの「すき」をかけた、関西人特有のワードセンスに溢れた超ウルトラハイパー面白ギャグがぶちかまされています。通常、というか関東においてすき焼きうどんといえば、「すき焼き(鍋物)のなかにうどんの麺をぶち込んだもの」を指します。しかし、勘のいい方はお分かりでしょうが、兵庫県に本社を持つ丸亀製麺では…

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このような平鍋で牛肉を炒めて作っています。奥の方で僕のすき焼きが作られていますね。調理をずっと見ていたのですが、脂の敷かれた鍋の上で牛肉が炒められしばらくしてから割り下が入れられる、という手法で作られていました。

 

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 こちらがすき焼き釜玉うどん(640円)に白米(130円)をつけたものです。どう見てもすき焼き定食ですが、すき焼きの下にはうどんが入っています。主食&主食という兵庫県民というか関西人のような布陣の定食です。あと、すき焼き釜玉うどんのすき焼きには野菜など入っていないストイックな仕様(伝統的な関西風すき焼きでは肉と野菜を同時に入れることはないらしい)なのですが、丸亀製麺はネギと揚げ玉が取り放題なので写真のようにネギをたっぷりかければ彩り、食感、栄養価の点において野菜不足は解決したも同然です。

早速食べてみると…美味い!割り下の味付けは関東風と基本的に変わらないのですが、炒めた肉なので肉の食感が残っていてグニグニと噛み応えがあります。味もしっかり染みているように感じますし、何よりすき焼きって鍋物だからご馳走っていうイメージがあったのですが、肉炒めだと思えばもっと気軽に作れそうです。こんなすき焼きはうどんよりも…

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白米に合うよな〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜

 

ネギの食感や卵のとろみもあいまって、白米が進む〜〜〜〜〜〜最高〜〜〜〜〜〜。

 

 

 

というわけで、本場兵庫の、関西風すき焼きが食べたい方は是非丸亀製麺に行ってみてはいかがでしょうか?期間限定メニューなのでお早めに!

(終わり)

めちゃめちゃイケてる少年

むかしむかし、ある所に村がありました。村には牧場と畑があるだけで、娯楽などはなく、TVだけが村人の楽しみでした。

そんな村には、才蔵という羊飼いがいました。彼は羊飼いとして毎日牧場に来ては、狼が来て羊を食べないように見張ったり羊にエサを与えたりしながら暮らし、17時に定時退勤すると月曜日にはHey!Hey!Hey!を見て、水曜日にははねトびを見て、土曜日にはめちゃイケを見て、日曜日にはこち亀のアニメを見るという他の村人と同じような平和な暮らしをしていました。

 

…しかし、ある時羊飼いの才蔵にピンチが訪れます。こち亀のアニメが終わってしまったのです。さらに、他のフジテレビの番組を見ると、かつてバラエティ界を引っ張ってきたあのフジテレビは見る影もなく、韓国の情報と、ゴテゴテにテロップの盛られたしょーもないバラエティ番組しか流せないフジテレビがそこにはあったのです。「このままでは暇すぎる…どうしよう?」頭を悩ませた才蔵はあることを思いつきます。

 

 

ある日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。

めちゃイケが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」

すると村人は「え?ついにめちゃイケも…?」、「確かに一時期よりは面白くなくなっていたが…」、「クレームクレームでがんじがらめだったから…」などと感想を口々に言い合いました。ところが、めちゃイケは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、村人はTVの中で岡村隆史が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

水曜日、才蔵は全世代で人気第一位の鍋でお馴染みのキムチ鍋をつつきながら、はねトびを見ていましたが、はねトびでは女芸人が俳優に弁当を作るというカスみたいな企画をやっていました。「あー、暇だなあ…そうだ。またアレをやるか。」

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。

めちゃイケが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」

すると村人は「とうとうか…」「ここんところ面白くなくなっているとは思っていたんだ…」などと口々に感想を言い合いました。しかし一方で「才蔵はかつて嘘をついていた。それにフジテレビだって納豆のことで嘘をついていたこともあったはずだ」という村人もいました。しかし、そのような村人の意見はごくわずかで聞き入れられることはありませんでした。ところが、めちゃイケは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、村人はTVの中で岡村隆史が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

さて、ある水曜日、才蔵にとっても村人にとっても大きな事件が起こりました。はねトびが終わってしまったのです。(これから水曜日はどうやって暇を潰せばいいんだ…)村人みんながそう思いました。

 

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。
めちゃイケも打ち切りになるぞ〜!」

すると村人は「そうか、今のフジテレビにはめちゃイケを維持する力もないのか…」「確かに今のめちゃイケは時代にも合ってない…」などと感想を口々に言い合いました。少し通な村人は「はねトびめちゃイケも、元々新しい波という番組がルーツだったんだ…めちゃイケも打ち切るのは仕方あるまい…」と言って村人たちをなだめていました。ところが、めちゃイケは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、村人はTVの中で岡村隆史が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

ある日、才蔵がフジテレビの番組で一番楽しみな「古畑任三郎の再放送を録画した奴」を見ていました。すると、堺正章演じる犯人がギネス級の速度で古畑に尻尾を出すシーンで、ある衝撃的なテロップを見ました。「ニュース速報:ナインティナイン岡村隆史、芸能活動休止」そのテロップを見た才蔵は驚きすぎて、犯人はなぜ人を殺した後すぐに離れずに、わざわざお湯を沸かしてお茶漬けを食べたかなんてどうでもよくなってしまいました。そして才蔵は翌朝、あることをしようと考えました。

 

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。
めちゃイケが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」

すると村人は「岡村隆史が活動休止するんだから仕方ないな…」「新メンバーを募集すると言ってたような気もするが、肩透かしなのかな…」「ラジオでも『嫌なら見るな』とか言ってたし、おかしかったんだな」などと感想を口々に言い合いました。ところが、めちゃイケは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、村人はTVの中で岡村隆史が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

 

ある日、才蔵はサックスをリサイクルして作ったシャワーを浴びながら 、(あーあ、何か変化をつけたいよなあ…)と考えごとにふけっていました。シャワーから出てTVをつけると、道の駅でじゃんけんをして勝った奴がクッソでかい木彫りの人形を自費で買う企画が流れていました。「これだ!」才蔵はそう叫びました。

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。
みなおかが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」
すると村人は「とんねるずの笑いも今の時代には合わないんだよな…」「後輩に時計買わせるなんてパワハラだろ」「汚い店行く企画で国際的に揉めたもんな」などと感想を口々に言い合いました。中には「みなおかって何?」という村人もいましたが、そんな村人には「とんねるずのみなさんのおかげでした、の略だよ」というともれなく目ん玉を飛び出させて驚いていました。ところが、みなおかは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、村人はTVの中で石橋貴明が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

ある日、才蔵が他人のトラクターにバスケットボールをぶつけまくって破壊していると、トラクターの持ち主が家から出てきて、才蔵は大目玉を食らってしまいました。才蔵は「すみません、暇だったんです…」と言い訳しました。するとトラクターの持ち主は「もっと人に迷惑をかけない方法で暇を潰しなさい。」と答えました。(人に迷惑をかけない暇つぶし…あれしかないな…)と才蔵は思いました。

 

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。
めちゃイケが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」すると村人は「とうとうめちゃイケも終わりだよな…」「新メンバーの三中とかいう奴、あれ何なんだよ」などと感想を口々に言い合いました。しかし、一方で「才蔵は嘘つきだ。才蔵が『めちゃイケが打ち切りになる』と言って打ち切りになったためしなどないじゃないか」と才蔵のいうことを信じない村人も着々と増えていました。そして、めちゃイケは打ち切りになりませんでした。そうです。これは才蔵の嘘だったのです。そして、才蔵の言うことを信じていた村人はTVの中で岡村隆史が良くも悪くもいつも通りなのを見て「才蔵に騙された…」と気づくのでした。

 

 

 

 

ある日、才蔵が友達の引っ越し祝いにとわざわざ山を二つ超えて出向き、友達の新築の家でカレーフォンデュパーティをしていると、その友達が口を開きました。「めちゃイケ、今度の春で終わるんだって。」これを聞いた才蔵は(早速明日の朝、村のみんなに伝えないと…!)と思いました。

 

次の日の朝、才蔵は村じゅうに響く大声でこう叫びました。
めちゃイケが打ち切りになるぞ〜!」

しかし、もう村人に才蔵の叫びを信じる者はいませんでした。「どうせ嘘だ。これまでも打ち切りにならなかったじゃないか。」「めちゃイケはここまでずっと終わらなかったんだ。今更終わるわけない。」村人はそう言い合いました。

 

 

ところがです、春になると本当にめちゃイケは終わってしまったのです。村人たちは「どうして…どうして…?」「終わるなら終わると誰も言ってくれなかった…なぜだ…!?」「山本は!?ねえ、山本は!?」と悲しみに暮れました。そんな村人たちに対し、才蔵はこう言いました。「ね、終わるって言ったでしょ?」

 

 

 

この一言は村人たちの怒りを買い、今まで騙されたぶんの怒りもあって、才蔵は狼がウヨウヨいる山の頂上に閉じ込められてしまいました。

 

このように、嘘をつくと、誰にも信じてもらえなくなるし、狼に食べられてしまうこともあります。みなさんも嘘をつかないようにしましょうね。

 

(おしまい)

 

 

 

 

 

ラーメン二郎は怖くない 〜初心者向けラーメン二郎ガイド〜

こんばんは、オルソンです。

 

さて、みなさんはラーメン二郎というラーメン屋に行ったことがあるだろうか?ラーメン二郎はコッテリしたスープ、ゴワゴワした太麺、こんもり載った野菜の山など様々な特徴によって他のラーメンとは一線を画している(下写真参照)。

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そのため、ラーメン二郎がラーメンに与えた影響はそれなりに大きく、二郎ではないが、先述の特徴を持った二郎のようなラーメンを提供する店も現れ、「二郎系」、「二郎インスパイア」といった名前で呼ばれている。「ジロリアン」と呼ばれる熱狂的なファンが多数いることが知られる一方で、コアなファンのみが客であり、一つの魔境が作られていると思い敬遠する人も後を絶たない。例えば…

 

久々に池袋店行ってきたのでレポ。

開店一時間前から並んで、俺は余裕の一番乗りをゲット。
いわゆる、ファースト・オブ・ファースト。
開店して着席、
一息ついて改めてファーストロットメンバーを確認してふと気づいた。
普段はこの店、学生が多いのだが今日はサラリーマン、OLと客層が豊か。
しかも素人が多いのか、コールの仕方もめちゃくちゃで、
他の麺バーとの協調性のかけらも見えない。
これはまずい・・・ファーストロットの乱れは、
閉店まで波及しオペレーションに重大な支障を来たす。
ふと店主と目が合う。額に汗を浮かべながらのその表情は明らかに
「たのむ・・・あんたがロットマスターになってなんとかしてくれ」
と訴えかけていた。。。
ここまで期待されたら、断る理由は無い。やってやろうじゃないの。

大豚W全マシが俺の前に置かれる。難攻不落の要塞さながらのその野菜の山に、
俺はさっそく箸を刺しこみ、胃袋に詰め込み始める。
しかし、今日はいつもの単純な、自分との戦いではない。
俺は自分の要塞を攻略しつつ、店内を注意深く監視する。

さっそく発見。盛りの豪快さをネタに、しゃべりまくる二人連れの学生。
――ロット乱しの元凶その1、『不要な私語』。ギルティー。
俺は勢いよくテーブルをバシッ!と叩く。
その音に驚き、店内に再び静寂と規律が戻った。

そしてその隣!長い髪を気にしながら、
上品にすぼめた口で一本ずつ麺をすすりこむOL!
――ロット乱しの元凶その2、『女』。ギルティー。
俺は箸で女を指し「すばやく食え!」と麺をかきこむジェスチャーを送る。
OLは髪に添えていた手を放し、一心不乱に麺をかきこみはじめた。
そう、それでいい。

ロットマスター(=俺w)の的確な指揮により生まれた規律と調和。
俺はさながら、オーケストラを指揮するコンダクターだ。
この全能感、多幸感―――。

結果、全員がほぼ同時にどんぶりをカウンターの上に置くことで、
ファーストロットという名のコンサートは見事に成功し幕を閉じた。
店を出たところで、先ほどのOLと目が合う。
軽く俺がウィンクをすると、彼女は恥ずかしそうに逃げていった。

 

 

といったコピぺが、ネット上に伝わっている。

 えー、なんだこれは。なんなんだこれは。何とこのコピぺ、1000文字近くある。なげーよ。あんまり文字数が多い記事書くとはてブロのアプリが重くなるから嫌なんだよ。しかも、このコピぺに書かれていることは基本嘘である。ラーメン二郎はもっとカジュアルに誰でも行けるラーメン屋であるというか普通のラーメン屋にすぎない。ということでこの記事では自分が初めてラーメン二郎に行った経験を話し、先述のコピぺに代表されるネットのデマを一刀両断してやろうと思う。

 

 

1、ろう

私が初めてラーメン二郎に行ったのは松戸駅前店である。これをいうと大学が思いっきり特定されるが、私の大学は松戸駅が最寄り駅であり、前々から「松戸にもラーメン二郎がある」とは聞いていたが、先述のコピぺに怯んでいたのと、大学と二郎が駅を境に点対称だったためにしばらく行かずにいた。ここで、旅行等のついでにラーメン二郎に行こうとしている読者に注意しておきたいのは大体のラーメン二郎は駅前にないということである。これは松戸駅前店とて例外ではない。そんなこんなで、大学1年の夏頃、意を決してラーメン二郎に入店した。ロッカーキーの番号が書いてある方みたいな食券を購入し、並ぶ。なお、食券を購入してから並ぶのか並んでから食券を買うかは店によるが、前者の二郎の方が多い、と思う。さて、通常ラーメン二郎には「ラーメン」しかないが、厳密には「小ラーメン」「小豚ラーメン」「大ラーメン」「大豚ラーメン」の4種類がある。つまり、大盛とブタ(一応補足しておくと、ブタとはチャーシューのこと。)増量はできる。また、横浜関内店などには混ぜそばがあり、京成大久保店などにはつけ麺がある。というか京成大久保店には味噌ラーメンもある。何でだよ。例外を長々と語ってしまったが、初二郎だった私は当然「小ラーメン」を注文。二郎では小が並盛を意味する。あと、並盛を意味すると言いつつ普通のラーメン屋の並盛よりはだいぶ多い。店内を見回す。意外だったのは女性が散見されるということ。女性がどんどん強くなっていくこの日本社会において、ガッツリした飯は男しか食べないという時代はとっくの昔に終わっていたようだ。なーにが、「ロット乱しの元凶その2、『女』。ギルティー。」じゃバカバカしい。…と思っていたら、女性客の一人が1/3くらいラーメンを残し、店員に謝罪しながらカウンターに丼を置いた。それに対して、店員は笑顔で「いいよいいよ」と言いながら丼を下げた。そう、少なくとも松戸駅前店において(他の店舗でも見たことないけど)、お残しを全部食べきるまで帰さないという昭和の学校給食みたいな蛮行はしていないのである。もちろん、不用意なヤサイマシマシや大ラーメンの注文による安易なお残しは、二郎各店舗のTwitter公式垢(持ってる店舗と持ってない店舗があります)で度々ボヤかれるし、食べ物を粗末にしない方がモラルが優れているので、お残ししないに越したことはないが、店内でリバースするよりはよっぽどマシなので、無理はしないでおこう。あと、これは男女問わずなのだが、2人連れくらいなら普通にいたし、雑談もしていた。これは個人の見解だが、せっかく友達と一緒にメシ行こうって時にカウンターのラーメン屋に行こうとする神経がわからない。それほど強い中毒作用の現れと取れなくもないが。さて、1人でスマホをイジりながら座席で待っていると、店員が「ニンニク入れますか?」と聞いてくる。ご存知の方も多いと思うが、この質問は「はい」か「いいえ」で答えるものではない。「ニンニク入れますか?」としか聞いていないが、実際にはニンニクの他にヤサイ、アブラ、カラメを追加することができる。今の4つの中にわからない食べ物がある人は下記参照。

 ニンニク:ニンニクであることに間違いはないが、チューブニンニクより粗めに刻んだ生ニンニク。粒の大きさや辛さや水分量などは店舗により異なる。

ヤサイ:もやしとキャベツの混合物。なお、8割はもやしであり、店によっては10割もやしの場合もある。

アブラ:二郎は豚骨醤油なのだが、豚骨スープは長く煮込み、背脂がたっぷりプカプカ浮かんだものを使用している。そして、アブラを頼むと、豚骨スープの上澄みの背脂が投入される。

カラメ:二郎の醤油は「カネシ」という尖った味というか、しょっぱいというより塩辛いと言える味わいの特殊な醤油が使われている。そして、カラメを頼むと、カネシ醤油を追加で入れてくれる。けして、ラー油やタバスコ的なものではないので注意。

 

さて、私は「ヤサイニンニクマシ」と答えた。麺や豚やアブラを増やすと腹にくるが、もやしなら増やしても大丈夫だろうという算段によるものだった。結果的にこの算段は成功。コッテリした麺や豚を食べる合間に汁に浸かってないもやしを食べて口をさっぱりさせる、というのが最も食べやすくて美味しい食べ方だと思うからだ。あと、暴飲暴食をしても食物繊維を摂取しておけば整腸作用によりウンコが程よい硬さになるというメリットも見逃せない。なので、基本的にヤサイはマシにしておいた方がいい。なお、アブラを入れるとヤサイの上にアブラが載るため、ヤサイでさっぱりする技が使えなくなるので注意!(下写真参照)なお、二郎系の盛り付けが汚いというイメージはこのアブラを丸出しにするスタイルに支えられている部分が大きいと思うが、アブラを入れなければ下写真のようにアブラがヤサイの上に載っかることはない。

f:id:EF_510_514:20170909215716j:image

食べきることはできたが腹は一杯。この時はしばらくコッテリしたもんいらんな…というか、もう二郎は一生いいな…と思っていた。はずなのだが、数ヶ月に一度はどうしても二郎食べたくなる体質になって今に至る。

 

2、初二郎向きの店

以上が私の初二郎経験談である。私は「大学の近くにあったから」という理由だけで初二郎に松戸駅前店を選んだが、一方で二郎は麺の太さも豚の味も汁のコッテリ具合も店の雰囲気も店舗ごとに異なるという事実がある。そこで今回は全店舗を制覇したわけではない私が、初心者向け二郎をいくつか紹介しようと思う。亀戸店とかは店主が怖いんだ…。

 

  • 目黒店

初心者向けとして有名な二郎。というのも一杯500円で、少し量が減りだいぶ安くなるという価格&量設定が完全に初心者向けなのが特徴。なお、量の減りっぷり以上に価格の下げっぷりが大きいため全ての二郎で最もコスパが良いとされている。ただ、この店。他の二郎と比べても店が狭い、天井が低い、店主の雰囲気が怖い、他の二郎と比べても駅から遠いなどコスパ以外のほぼ全ての点が初心者向けとは言い難い店舗になってしまっている。個人的には、目黒店を初心者向けとしてはオススメできない。

 

  • 品川店

今まで行った店の中で、汁が最もさっぱりしているところの筆頭。とはいえ、普通のラーメンよりはコッテリしてるけど。また、店内にゆとりがある点や食券を出す前に「麺少なめ」と申し出れば麺少なめになる点なども初心者向けに選んだ理由である。

 

  • 札幌店

 試される大地に初出店した二郎。僕の記憶が正しければ仙台店や会津若松店や京都店より早く出店したはずで、当時はほとんど首都圏のみだった二郎が北海道に出店するなんて!と大変驚いた記憶がある。店舗が広い、券売機に「麺少なめ」ができることや、「ニンニク入れますか?」など、二郎独自のシステムが丁寧に書いてある、二郎としては珍しく多少魚介ダシも入れてることもあってか少しあっさりめになっている、などが特徴である。冬の札幌で身を冷やし、腹を減らしてから食えば、冬眠前の熊みたいな原理で少食のキミも二郎を食い切れるかもしれない。

 

  • 環七一之江店

個人的に初心者向けとして最もオススメの店舗である。品川店と比べると店の面積は狭いが、一人一人のゆとりは恐らくこちらの方が上。さらに、カウンターが厨房をぐるっとほぼ270°回る構造により大収容数を実現。店主の雰囲気が良い、など申し分なし。

また、環七に面する出口から出れば、駅から徒歩5分程度という立地の良さ&わかりやすさも良い。量はやや少なめ、汁のコッテリ度もやや低め、麺のゴワつきがやや低め、と全てがやや控えめなのが特徴。この全てがやや控えめな二郎で二郎の雰囲気を掴むのが二郎童貞卒業には良い、と思う。あとこの店は汁なしがある。

 

3、人生が変わる1分間のロットの話

 「日テレの番組のロゴを色使いと構文だけ再現する」という見出しの小ネタがいよいよネタ切れしたが、先述のコピぺでも出てきた「ロット」という単語の説明がまだであったため、まだこの記事を続けようと思う。この記事のテーマは「二郎コピぺとかいうデマを一刀両断」なので、太字の部分だけ流し読みすれば、先述のものに代表される二郎コピぺがいかにホラ吹きピー太郎かわかってくれるように設計している。というわけで太字で書かせていただくと、ロットという5人程度の客の塊は存在する。どういうことか?まず二郎というのは大変麺が太い。ということは茹で時間が通常のラーメンと比べてかなり長い。そのため、カウンターから厨房を覗くとわかることだが、店員はラーメンを5杯(店によるはずなのだが大体5杯)同時並行で作っている。そして、行列ができると「客が5人入店→5杯同時に作って提供→5人が同時に食べ終わる→客が5人入店→…」のループを形成する。この「客が5人入店」というのがロットである。そして、上記の無限ループをよく読むと机上の空論ということに気づくだろう。そう、人間がものを食べるスピードには個人差があるので「5人が同時に食べ終わる」とは限らないのだ。そのため、食べるのが遅い客が現れると次の「客が5人入店」にループに繋がらなくなる。これが先述のコピぺにも出てきた「ロットが乱れる」状態である。しかし、ラーメン二郎の店員も人の子。よって、ロットが乱れたからと言って怒る店員などまずいない。少なくとも俺は見たことない。なので、安心して二郎に行ってほしい。

 

 

 

 

飲むTENGA交互浴で勃起力を増強した話

えー、こんばんは。オルソンです。このブログでは以前「飲むTENGAによるシュワチン*1」を提唱したことがありました。

 

 飲むTENGAを挿れて使った話 - オルソンブログ http://orsonblog.hatenablog.com/entry/2017/06/06/000141

 

飲むTENGAによるシュワチンは精液の収量と陰茎の硬度が、炭酸水によるシュワチン以上に上がるのが特徴です。飲むTENGAって早い話が精力剤ですからね。精力剤をチンチンの皮膚に直で流してるだけですからね。

 

それからしばらくして私は「おちんちん交互浴」というメソッドを提唱しました。

 

 おちんちん交代浴で勃起力を増強した話 - オルソンブログ http://orsonblog.hatenablog.com/entry/2017/08/30/223033

 

こちらは、シュワチンによる陰茎への血行促進が勃起力向上につながる、という作用過程から、「交互浴*2でも勃起力は上がるのでは?」という仮説を思いつき、行ったシュワチンです。

 

さて、ここからが本題なのですが、飲むTENGAというのは2種類あります。 

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上写真左の炭酸飲料タイプと、上写真右のゼリータイプですね。まず、炭酸というのは温めると水への溶解度が減りますから、シュワチンする場合も飲んで楽しむ場合も冷えていることが前提となります。

一方、ゼリー中にどんなに男をアゲる成分が入っていたとしても、そのゼリーに陰茎を入れたからといって薬効成分が陰茎に染みていくとは考えにくいわけです。ということは、ゼリータイプのTENGAに陰茎を浸すには何らかの方法(加熱とか加熱とか加熱とかが考えられますね)でゼリーを溶かしてから陰茎をINする必要があります。

 

というわけで、以下が、飲むTENGAシュワチンと、おちんちん交互浴を合成した飲むTENGA交互浴のメソッドです!

 

1、冷えた炭酸飲料タイプ飲むTENGAに陰茎を1分浸す

2、温かいゼリータイプ飲むTENGAに陰茎を1分浸す

 

1→2→1→2→…と繰り返せば交互浴をしたことになる!(今回の記事では5セット10分やります)

 

さて、今回は温度管理が必須となりますので一つの装置(?)を作りました。

 

 f:id:EF_510_514:20170907014607j:image

 

まず、湯のみを用意しました。これは来客用なので自分が使うことはほとんどないものです。まさか親も息子が息子をトレーニングするためにこの湯のみが使われるとは思うまい…

 

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次にお椀を用意しました。このお椀は炭酸飲料タイプ飲むTENGA用なので氷水を入れ、さらに食塩を溶け残るほど入れた*3仕様となっております。

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そして、こちらが先ほど氷水を入れたお椀に湯のみを入れたものです。もうお分かりでしょうがこの湯のみ部分に飲むTENGAを入れると温度管理ができるということですね。

 

 f:id:EF_510_514:20170907014626j:image

ちなみに、温かいゼリータイプTENGA用の装置は、ゼリータイプTENGAを湯のみの注ぎ800Wで30秒チンした*4あと、上写真の、風呂を沸かし終えると、かりそめ天国でVTRが終わった時と全く同じ曲が流れる湯沸かし器でシャワーの温度を45℃にして、お椀に注ぎ、同様の装置(?)を完成させました。なお、写真では時間が深夜になっていますが、これは別撮りであり、実際は昼間にやっております。また、湯のみは我が家にある容器で最も容積が少なそうだから、という理由で選出されたのですがそれでもゼリータイプTENGA一本では湯のみの半分くらいしか届かなかったので、炭酸飲料タイプTENGAを入れてから加熱しました。ゼリータイプTENGA、40mlで375円と高いんです、許してね。

 

準備が整ったので、装置(?)を風呂場に持っていって、全裸*5になり、飲むTENGA交互浴を開始しました。

 

まず、冷えた炭酸飲料タイプTENGAに陰茎を浸すと…すっげえ…陰茎縮まねえ…通常冷やすと陰茎が縮むのですが、今回は飲むTENGAのパワーが強いのでそうはなりません。こんなにキンキンに冷やしてもそんな感じとは!さすが飲むTENGA

 

続いて温めたゼリータイプTENGAに陰茎を浸すと…気持ちええ…このキンキンに冷えた陰茎を温かい湯(今回は湯ではないけど)に浸す時の開放感、これがおちんちん交互浴の醍醐味です。

 

…あとはこれをもう4回繰り返したら、廃液を隔離し、服を着て終了です。あとは飲むTENGAでシュワチンした時は即日結果が出なかったので2-3日程度待つばかり…

 

 

えー、2-3日後シコった結果ですが、陰茎の神経が鋭敏になったためシコっててめちゃくちゃ気持ちよかったことと、陰茎の硬さが史上最高なのでシコってる時のグリグリ感がまた最高だったことをお知らせいたします。また、1回ごとの収量は変化ないながらも、シコったあとも陰茎が縮みにくく2回戦にらくらく移行できる点もまた勃起力の増強でしょう。粘性や収量が上がるというより単純に気持ち良さが上がったのでよかったです。

特にムラっと感が段違いになり、たかだか24時間オナ禁しただけで3日オナ禁したくらいの気持ち良さがありました。が、オナ禁の苦痛も3倍でした。さしずめ、精神と時の部屋チンと言ったところでしょうかね。飲むTENGA恐るべし。

 

(おしまい)

 

 

 

 

*1:シュワチン:陰茎を炭酸水に浸すこと。勃起力が上がると一時期Twitterで話題に

*2:熱い風呂と冷たい風呂に交互に入る入浴方法。詳しくは上記の記事参照

*3:食塩は水に溶けると熱を奪う性質と水の凝固点を下げる性質を持つため、氷水に食塩を入れると水温が0度以下になる。なお、このことを調べたところYoutuberの間で氷と食塩を腕に載せる塩氷チャレンジが流行っているが危険なのでやめろという記事が出てきた。

*4:*2:このチンした、はレンジで温めるという意味であって、チンを浸して、という意味ではない

*5:これはウケ狙いとかではなく、服に飲むTENGAがつくとシミになりやすく、カレーと同等かそれ以上に厄介なため

ブルゾンちえみwith Bは分離により問題を励起し、議論は無限の輪廻を見せ、やがて問題は、議論自身が作り出しし議論の森に幽閉される…

最近、ブルゾンちえみ with BというトリオがTVに頻繁に出ている。いや、厳密にいうとトリオではない。ブルゾンちえみというピン芸人ブリリアンというコンビとネタなどをする時に三人合わせて「ブルゾンちえみ with B」と呼ばれる。ブルゾンちえみと、ブリリアンで、ブルゾンちえみwith B。そう、Bとはブリリアンの略なのである。よって、24時間TVで24時間マラソンをしていたのは、ブルゾンちえみだけであってブルゾンちえみwith Bではない。余談だが、ノンストップや人志松本のすべらない話吉本新喜劇などでお馴染みの小籔千豊は以前ビリジアンというコンビを組んでいた。

 

さて、そんなブルゾンちえみ with Bだが、24時間TVではブルゾンちえみ with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with B」と呼んでいた。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with 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with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with 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with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with 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with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。こうなると俺がこれまで「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼んでいたあの三人組は「ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」ということになる。しかし、そうなるとTVは、ブルゾンちえみwith with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with Bのブルゾンちえみ以外の男二人のことを「with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with with B」と呼ぶのではないか。

 

 

その気になれば、あと35億と8000万回以上ループできるがこの辺で筆を置こうと思う。

食欲の秋に食べたくない、コーヒー料理3品

えー、どうもこんばんは。オルソンです。もう9月ですね。2学期ですね。一応秋ですね。夏って来てましたっけ?日差しがカンカン照りでセミがガンガン鳴いてるあの夏って来ましたっけ?夏が来てないってことはこのままの感じの気候で押し切ればもう実質秋ということになりますね。梅雨入り梅雨明けもこんな感じだった。うん。

さて、私はブログと別にTwitter*1をやって…というかメインはTwitterなんです。ブログ更新って面倒だからね。Twitterの方がパパパッと呟けるからね。しかし一方でTwitterにも制約はあります。Twitterやったことない人でも聞いたことくらいあるかもしれませんが、「140文字以内」という制約です。もちろんメモ帳に長文を書いてそのスクリーンショットを貼る、ツイートの末尾に「(続く)」って書いて延々ツイートを連投する、といった方法がありますが、どの方法もブログと比べると、長文の見せ方としてパッとしないというのが実情です。というわけで今回は私がブログを始める前に連投したネタをブログ用に書き直す、いわばあるツイートのネタの総集編を行いたいと思います。今回の総集編は*2タイトルの通り「コーヒーを使った料理」です。

 

1、コーヒー牛肉

えー、まずは2015年4月6日のツイート、コーヒー牛肉のレシピ及びその感想をお送りいたします。2015年!?コーヒー牛肉というのはある方の有名な誤字ツイートでして、それが以下の文章です。

あ、お酒飲みたいけど苦いのは嫌って人にオススメなのはコイツです。カルーア コーヒーリキュールって言って 牛肉で1/5ぐらいに薄めて飲みます 味はまさしくコーヒー牛肉ですが コーヒー牛肉なんかよりドチャクソ甘い

2014年11月21日のツイートなのですが、2017年9月3日現在6.9万RTという偉業を達成しております。3回も間違うかね感というか、この天丼の構成というかね、確かにいい誤字ツイートですよ。ちなみに、カルーアミルクはどちゃくそ甘い一方でアルコール感も強いので、自分が、味覚的な意味で酒飲むのに向いているか判定するカクテルとしては大変よろしい。

さて、そんなコーヒー牛肉を私、実際に作ってみました!

 

1、牛肉をコーヒーに漬け込む。

 f:id:EF_510_514:20170903171417j:image

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903171347j:image

まず、牛肉をコーヒーに漬けて漬け肉を作ります。この時使用したコーヒーはBOSSのブラックです。2枚目の写真のように牛肉に切れ込みを入れると味が染みやすくなるぞ!

漬け込む時間は自炊経験がないために、よくわからなかったので、2時間程度冷蔵庫で漬け込むことに。

 

2、漬け込んだ肉を焼く

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903171656j:image

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903172014j:image

 

コーヒーに漬け込んだだけの牛肉がこちら。まだ焼いてないのに焼いたみたいになってますがまだ焼いてないので焼きます。

…焼いてるシーンの写真がなかったので「大体わかるでしょ?」で終わりとさせてください。ちなみに、肉を漬け込むのに使ったコーヒーは肉が大方焼けて来たあたりでぶち込んでソースみたいにしてやりました。

 

3、完成

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903172332j:image

 完成品はこちらです。醤油と色が似てるせいで意外と美味そうな仕上がりになりやがるのが腹立ちますね。そんなコーヒー牛肉の味だが…。

みんなが思ってるほど不味くはない です。ただ、美味くもないという。まず、肉が柔らかくなっている気がする…どういう原理かはわからないですけど、一応事前に少しだけ焼いた牛肉より柔らかくなってるんです。そして、柔らかくなった肉の食感や肉の旨味とコーヒーの苦味がそれなりにマッチする(あくまでそれなり)んですよね。もっとマッチしないと思ってましたわ。ただ、肉の脂とコーヒーの味は全然マッチしない*3です。そして、牛肉を焼いた料理なのにどう考えてもご飯のお供になる気がしないです。コーヒー味だからね。でも牛肉はコーヒー味でも旨いということがわかったので良かったです。だから人の金で焼き肉が食べたい。

 

2、コーヒー牛肉2

2016年9月4日にツイート。本日一周年ですね。さて、前述のコーヒー牛肉ですが、私には腑に落ちていない部分がありました。それはどこか、という話の前にまずはコーヒー牛肉の元ネタをもう一度引用させてください。

あ、お酒飲みたいけど苦いのは嫌って人にオススメなのはコイツです。カルーア コーヒーリキュールって言って 牛肉で1/5ぐらいに薄めて飲みます 味はまさしくコーヒー牛肉ですが コーヒー牛肉なんかよりドチャクソ甘い

普通に見れば、「牛乳と書くべきところが牛肉になっている」以外で違和感のある部分はないと思うんですが、注目すべきは最後の一文、「コーヒー牛肉なんかよりドチャクソ甘い」です。この例えを見る限り、コーヒー牛肉は甘いということがわかります。例えば…この話、例え話の中に例えが入ってくる話なんですけど、何かトゲトゲの物体を見た時「ウニみたいにトゲトゲだな」だったらわかるじゃないですか、でも「イクラみたいにトゲトゲだな」だったら「は?」ってなるじゃないですか。「イクラってトゲトゲだっけ?」ってなるじゃないですか。というわけでコーヒー牛肉は大概甘いはずなんです。でも、先述のコーヒー牛肉を実際に食べたらドチャクソ苦かったんですよね。まあ当たり前ですよね。だって牛肉をブラックコーヒーに漬け込んでるんだから。

というわけで甘いコーヒーを漬けダレにしてコーヒー牛肉をリメイクすることが決定しました。この「甘いコーヒー」のなかに「カルーアコーヒーリキュール」を勧めてくる者もいましたが、「カルーアコーヒーリキュールの感想でカルーアコーヒーリキュール牛肉を出してくるはずはない」という理由から除外しました。となると出てくるのは…

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903174150j:image

ジョージアマックスコーヒーではないでしょうか?

ジョージアマックスコーヒーとは千葉県など一部地域でしか販売されていない*4缶コーヒーであり、練乳を多用して生まれる甘さは「千葉県の子供は最初、マックスコーヒーだけ飲めるようになる」、「マックスコーヒーは缶コーヒーではなくコーヒー風味の練乳」など散々言われています。また、New Game!!の2期の2話で、コンペの後に涼風青葉に八つ当たりした矢神コウが屋上で一人で黄昏ながら飲んでいたコーヒーでもあります。何でそんな甘いコーヒー選んだんだ。なお、千葉駅ではマックスコーヒー味クリームのコッペパンが販売されており、案の定甘くて美味しかったです。それはさておき、マックスコーヒーを使ったコーヒー牛肉のレシピは…?

 

1、牛肉をマックスコーヒーに漬け込む。

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903174009j:image

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903173927j:image

まず、マックスコーヒーで漬け肉を作ります。基本的にやることは変わりません。変わりませんが、牛肉を漬け込む時に平皿を使わず、元々牛肉を入れていたトレイを使っていますね。この時切れ込みを入れると味が染みやすく以下略。

 

2、漬け込んだ肉を焼く

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903174009j:image

 こちらが漬け込んだ牛肉です。ちょっと浸かりが甘いのでやっぱり平皿出す気だった気がしないでもない。

焼いている間の写真はまたしてもないので…

 

3、完成

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903175142j:image

はい、できました。なんか魚の煮付けみたいな色してますね。味の感想なんですが、 マックスコーヒーの甘さが優しさに変換され先ほどのコーヒー牛肉より食べやすい感じに。牛の脂とも喧嘩しません。悪くないじゃん!もちろん焼肉のタレで漬け肉作って焼いた方が5000兆の5000兆乗倍旨いけど悪くはないじゃん!

 

 

3、アイスクリームコーヒーうどん

最後はコーヒー牛肉ではありません。2017年4月6日にツイートされたこの料理はこちらのニュースがきっかけです。

‪鉄道会社が就活生に「アイスクリーム、コーヒー、うどんのなかでどれが好きか」と聞く重要なワケ https://www.dailyshincho.jp/article/2017/04140610/

私はまだ就活したことないですが、こういう奇問って本当にあるんですかね?あるんでしょうね。怖いですね。さて、先述のニュースに出てくる就活生は「アイスクリーム、コーヒー、うどんのどれが好きか?」という質問に対して、「××鉄道の車内で食べるなら、どれでも美味しいと思います」と答え、就活に不合格になってしまいます。それに対して私は、「人事の選択肢を全てフュージョンさせる」という荒技に出ます。以下そのレシピです。

 

1、温かいうどんの麺にアイスを載せる

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903180637j:image

 まず、バニラアイス*5をうどん*6に載せるわけですが、バニラアイスを溶かすことを考えるとうどんは温かい方が望ましいでしょう。もちろんコーヒーの方を温かくする手や、コーヒーもうどんも温かくする手もありですが。ちなみにうどんを温かくするがコーヒーを冷たくする場合はここでアイスをできる限り溶かしきりましょう。

 

2、コーヒーを注ぐ

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903180912j:image

アイスクリームを溶かしたうどんにコーヒー*7を注ぎます。そしたら

 

3、完成

f:id:EF_510_514:20170903181326j:image

完成です。アフォガートという、ソフトクリームにホットコーヒーをかけて食べる料理がマクドナルドでも冬季限定メニューになっているあたり期待できるのでは…?

期待できませんでした。コーヒーとバニラアイスは当然合うんですが、うどんにも塩気と小麦粉の味がします。うどんって風味やコシをつけるために生地に食塩を含んでいるので、うどんが塩味なのは当然っちゃ当然なんですよね。ただ、塩スイーツというのがあるように、甘いものに塩味はかなり合います。少なくとも僕は好きです。問題は小麦粉の味。これがコーヒーにもバニラアイスにも合わねー合わねー。言い換えれば、ずーっと邪魔。アフォガートをツルツルすすれるのかと思いきや、うどんにも意外と味があるというのが強敵となりました。小麦粉ってこんな味するんだなあ…?というわけでアイスクリームコーヒーうどんは完全に失敗作です。ちくしょう、俺は就活生の無念を成敗したかっただけなのに…もし美味しかったらスカッとジャパンに投稿する予定だったのに…採用されたら賞金の3万円に自分の数千円を合わせて18切符を15日分買う予定だったのに…。どうしてこんなことに…。

 

 

結論:コーヒーも牛肉もうどんも普通に食べよう!

 

(おしまい)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*1:IDは@EF_510_514

*2:次回は未定。何か発掘したらやる。

*3:脂の少ない牛肉であればもう少し美味いコーヒー牛肉になったかもしれない。だから何だ。

*4:楽天市場なので取り扱っているので一部地域外でも購入は可能。インターネットって便利だね。

*5:明治エッセルスーピー(規制音)カップを使用

*6:今回は自宅を使用できなかったため、はな◯うどんの釜揚げうどんを使用。冷凍うどんを使用した方が、材料費が安く済んで恥をかかなくて済むので推奨。

*7:□ーソンのアイスコーヒーを使用

おちんちん交代浴で勃起力を増強した話

えー、こんばんは。オルソンブログの伝統芸能、シュワチンレポのお時間がやって参りました。

今回も炭酸水にチンを浸すだけの簡単なお仕事が始まるわけですが、その前になぜ炭酸水にチンを浸すと勃起力が上がるのか?という話をします。

炭酸水というのは二酸化炭素を多く含みます。そのため、炭酸水にチンを浸すと、チンの二酸化炭素濃度が上昇します。すると、二酸化炭素濃度が上がったチンに酸素を送り込む作用が増加し、チンへの血行促進になります。この「チンへの血行促進」が勃起力増強のポイントです。

そこでチンへの血行促進を促す方法がわかれば、オリジナルの勃起力増強プログラムを作ることが可能なはずです。そんなことを考えず(考えながら…と言いたいところだが、本当にこんなことずっと考えているのは池沼の所業なので)、ネット記事を漁っていたらこんな記事を見つけました。

 

銭湯神ヨッピーが語る!見ると銭湯に行きたくなる最高の入浴法 - オモトピア http://ure.pia.co.jp/articles/-/27463

 

こちらの記事です。書いてあることをまとめると

・炭酸泉という風呂があり、炭酸泉は血行促進の効能がある(なぜ炭酸泉に血行促進の効能があるのかは、先述の通り。というかこの記事が参考文献)

・交代浴という、熱い風呂と冷たい風呂に交互に入る入浴法があり、交代浴には自律神経の運動を整える効果があり、疲労回復などができる。

・交代浴で冷たい風呂に入ってる間は副交感神経の運動が促進され、血行が抑制されるが逆に温かい風呂に入ってる間は交感神経の運動が促進され、血行が促進される。

 

ということで、浮かんだアイディアは

 

冷たい炭酸水と温かい湯を交互にチンに浸したら、チンの疲労回復と血行促進になるんじゃね?

 

というものです。では早速やってみましょう。

 

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こちらが、炭酸水です。前回のシュワチン記事*1同様、セブンプレミアムの強炭酸水を使用しておりますが、氷を数個入れることで今まで以上に低温下でのシュワチンを実現しております。

 

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 一方こちらは、シャワーから汲んできた41℃程度の単なる白湯です。温かさが一切写真から伝わってきませんが一応お湯です。

 

というわけでまず炭酸水にチンを浸すと痛い痛い痛い痛い痛い痛い…でもここを乗り切れば慣れる…慣れるぞ…慣れたー!

今回は交代浴なのでシュワチンは1分で切り上げます。そして白湯にチンを浸します。すると冷たさで収縮していたチンがたちまち膨らみ出しました。これこれ〜。従来のシュワチンでは、二酸化炭素の溶解度を気にするあまり冷たい炭酸水にしかチンを浸せず、シュワチン直後はチンが収縮したままでした。しかし、おちんちん交代浴はこの問題点を解決するかもしれないのです!

 

…1分白湯にチンを浸したらもう一度シュワチンなのですが、白湯が冷めてきやがりました。というわけで白湯を800Wで10秒ほどチンして*2からシュワチンスタート!痛い痛い痛い痛い痛い…ずーっとシュワチンするのと違って慣れがリセットされるので最悪です。

 

1分後

 

シュワチンが終わりました。レンジから白湯を出して、白湯にチンを浸します。

 

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いいね〜チンが伸びてきたよ〜!はい1分経ったので白湯をチンして、炭酸水にチンを浸す!

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ここで累計5分が経過しました。もう5分ぶん同じことをすれば10分のおちんちん交代浴が終わるのですが、ハイライトでお送りします。

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というわけでおちんちんランドが開園の状態でシュワチンを終わらせることができました。やったね!

 

 

 

 

…大事なのは効果ですよね。実はせっかくおちんちんランド開園状態なんだからと、早速シコった時はシュワチン10分に対して効果*3が半分だったんですよ。「交互浴だから効果も半分ってかガハハ!ふざけんな!」ってなってこの記事もお蔵入りの予定だったんです。 

しかし、数日後、精液がどぅっかんどぅっかん!と出るようになりまして、粘度もこれまでで一番いい奴が出るという偉業を達成しました。いや〜、精が出るね〜(cv.ルシファー吉岡)

 

というわけで、上手い感じに前回の記事*4と繋がったところで筆を置きたいと思います。NHKさんごめんなさい。早見沙織さんごめんなさい。

 

 

*1:http://orsonblog.hatenablog.com/entry/2017/07/14/005145のこと

*2:このチンして、はレンジで温めるという意味であって、チンを浸して、という意味ではない

*3:勃起時の長さの上昇や精液の量や粘度の上昇

*4:http://orsonblog.hatenablog.com/entry/2017/08/30/001641のこと